my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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