my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
