1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
farters have to be the big spoon...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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