Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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