so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize