Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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