I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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