I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
high people should be assigned attendants
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
