I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
