capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
