I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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