Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
