i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
