I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I supernannyed him into submission
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
