Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
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Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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