One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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