College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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