I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
