I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
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So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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