have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
