She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
