I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
