IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
