Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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