Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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