We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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