just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
