You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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