I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You need Xanax blowdarts
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
