I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
