i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
