yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
