i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
