last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.