I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
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Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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