Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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