My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
