I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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