He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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