We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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