we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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