Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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