I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
