I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
