I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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