thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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