its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
