Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
