The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
