I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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