I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
