i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
