there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
