remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
