toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
