remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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