Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
